By the numbers, porzo.com, which sounds like a kind of hipster rice pasta, is an adult streaming tube site and the 4,293rd most visited site on the internet with 10.02 million hits in January 2019, mostly in Germany, which is like, the most likely of 4 countries that maybe 1 out of 4 times beats the US in porn consumption. It's the 372nd most trafficked Adult site, so it's safe to say I've never heard of this place til today.
So to start things off, there's an at least vaguely competent appearing header with a header that looks like it was made in Ms Word. We get a dropdown menu with a tiny house emoji link for Home, followed by All Categories, Most Popular Videos, New Videos and Highest Rated, followed by a list of network what the fuck ever sister sites. Then over on the opposite end there's some A-Z drop down that's apparently for tags. Below that we've got a search bar that stretches across the entire page and offers 48,565,083 videos. That's an awful lot of media for someone this far down the totem pole.
After that, the home page is just Popular Porn Categories preview images with a Report This Link button and nothing else. No video counts, no preview, no nuthin. I click one and get the category page. Same confused header layout, and now there's a bunch more tabs cluttering up my page. We get options to Sort by: Popularity, Date, Duration or rating AND Filter by: Date Added, Duration, Quality and Source. Videos preview images get no slideshow or animated preview on mouseover, but they do get little trivia bits like run time, a title, that quality Flag This Link button, and sponsor site. Click on a video and- God dammit! This is another one of those junk aggregate sites that seem to pop up over night like a mushroom ring of trash websites. Savvy/Skeezy investors snatch up dozens of these kinds of sites apiece for ad and traffic revenue. I think the Sword and Scale guy has 20 of them. The first video click launches me to some other bot-generated trash site that's ¾ scary ads and two more ads to click through at video start. I've lost interest way before we've landed. The video is painful noise.
At the very bottom of the page is a link for Advertisers to Buy Traffic/Get Listed. It's the most wholesome thing I will click on during my visit. It leads to AdultWebMasterNet.com and I'm beginning to put the engineering behind this website together and realize this is a rabbit hole for another time.
This whole site is basically a categories page. They're basically tags and there's a couple hundred of them and they get hyper specific and weird sometimes. You get you all of your mainstream keywords like MILF, Big Tits, Lesbian, Teen, POV and Reality along with the usual soft incest that America absolutely will not stop consuming in this horrible day and age. The hyper specific stuff is a blast, like, the entire W listing only has 12 entries and that includes Wife, Wife Anal Sex, Wife In Gangbang, Wife In Homemade, Wife In Threesome, Wife Interracial Sex, Wife Swap, and Widow (wow). God, I clicked on the Widow tag. It's dark. A chill crawls up my spine. It lingers for too long between my shoulders then settles comfortably in that part of my brain that will haunt me with the memory during my lowest moments. I don't like this feeling and I want to leave.
I decided to mix things up a bit and just click the Pornstar tag and go to the first video on it. It's 1:11:35 long. I click the link and trip over onto some soulless mirror of this site covered in head to toe ads of screaming sensory overload sex. I push the X button on the advertisement window and it opens a new tab while refreshing the current one. Neither tab is the page I was just at, so I close both and start over. This time I get the 2 minute ad for the fully customizable sex game that's packed with Disney and Overwatch characters that you can skip after 15 seconds. I skip after 15 seconds and the video loads up. It's 06:08 and a really terrible rip of some Brazzers porn reality contest that literally feels like an Alan Moore detail, a darkly cruel little background existence in dystopian satire. It also starts midway through some interview that's at 25% what the advertisement's volume was and is completely unintelligible. There's a button for Join to watch Full HD video. I don't think so. There's a dozen or so of the current mainstream names like Lela Star, Bridgette B, Kissa Sins and Karma RX. There's no model/performer listing, so the best you can really do here is just run a search. Lisa Ann? 16,000 mostly relevant results. Tana Lea? The search bar seems confused, but it gives me 867 results for Tana Lea. Charlotte Sartre has 2,268. OK, let's move on.
This place actually has a network and it's exactly as unspectacular as you could imagine, with partner sites like TubeGalore, FUQ, VR Porzo, HD Porzo, GayMaleTube, TubeMales, and the grotesquely named ShemanTube.
There's no subscription or registration option, which I guess means they know how much time I'm planning to spend here. No chance to keep favorites or subscribe. Whatever.
This site is horrible and I hate it. I feel bad for my dogshit soul after exploring this page. A crushing cynicism has weighed on me the whole time writing this, and porzo.com is to blame. The chains my spirit forges will build that much more weight and I will carry it forever. Woe unto all who tarry here. Zero stars.
| Number of Videos | 48,000,000+ |
|---|---|
| HD Videos | Yes | Picture Sets | Yes | Mobile Friendly | Yes |
Porn Explosion